|
Letters of support from
Organisations
4th October 2010 To Whom It May Concern, Commonwealth Respite & Carelink Centre- Mental Health Respite Program is pleased to offer a letter of support and recommendation in reference to Ms Sue Koningen – ‘Empowering Families’. In July 2010, CRCC- Mental Health Respite Program approached Sue Koningen to conduct a series of workshops ‘Empowering Families- to break down the barriers’ for Carers and family members- who support someone with a mental illness within the Brisbane North/Pine Rivers and Caboolture regions. The success of the ‘Empowering Families- to break down the barriers’ workshops has been extraordinary with extremely positive and encouraging feedback received from the Carers and families who attended. These are a few of the comments / transcripts received following the Carer evaluations; “Sue’s
workshops inspired me to change my life, my direction, know my
boundaries and given me hope to redefine who I am, along with knowledge
to respect the choices, of those for whom I care for, I did not
want the workshops to end” “Sue’s
workshops are empowering and amazing, they have been life changing for
me. Sue understands from a Carers perspective the struggles for Parents
/ Carers, as she has walked in our shoes. The
workshops provided me knowledge, valuable tools and strategies to
understand my own boundaries And cope
better within my caring role” “Sue is
empowering, inspirational and has changed my life and my thinking, thank
you so much” “Workshops
were brilliant, gave me insight and enthusiasm, to realise how powerful
knowledge is, confirmation of my own hopes, dreams and intentions,
knowing my boundaries and limits and finding myself again”
“Most important thing I gained from the
workshops is the tools to understand how to better manage my own
boundaries; The ‘LEAD” and where I am on the ‘Triangle of Despair’ and
how I break the cycle, thank you Sue! Sheryn O’Grady Senior Supports Facilitator Mental Health Respite Program & Young Carers Program Commonwealth Respite & Carelink Centre- Brisbane North
Participant’s Letters and Responses to the Empowering Families Program
My
name is Bronwyn – a blond blue eyed 26 year old young lady. I live with co-occurring illnesses unseen to the
human eye. I have lived with and battled with these illnesses since I
was 13 years old and over the years have done things so unspeakable to
myself and others – sometimes breaking the law daily. Throughout this
time and as a result of this disease - wanting to die has been on my
mind more times than wanting to live. I have tried numerous times to take my life and
have seen every type of help known: Doctors, psychiatrists,
psychologists, counsellors. I’ve been admitted to hospitals,
rehabilitation centres, psychiatric hospitals, participated in Narcotics
Anonymous (NA), Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), self help courses and
spiritual groups, searching for years for someone or something to help
me live with this disease and reclaim the ‘want’ to live. I was continually labelled as an alcoholic, a
drug addict, suffering from depressive disorders, bi-polar, borderline
personality disorder, anorexia, schizophrenia. I have experienced times
of self- harm, panic attacks, and suicide attempts and I walked through
life believing that all these labels were ‘who’ I was and would always
be. I was prescribed endless amounts medications - yet no ‘cure’. I endured this tiring, endless and painful
journey through this thing called life for thirteen long years. Dying always seemed such an easier option to the
daily use of alcohol and chemical drugs and putting them into my tiny
body of only 48 kg to self-medicate.
At that time the fight for real happiness seemed hopeless. My only joy was the high and escape from reality
that my addiction gave me, but after 13 years of abuse the body started
to break down and I experienced physical problems such as a spinal
disorder, depression and anxiety. During this time I had been abused mentally,
physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually by many people -
mainly by men, and began to think that perhaps this was all I deserved.
Daily my body was so high or numb that I had no
control over situations, no boundaries, no morals, no values, no self
respect or self worth. Just numbness and the continuous daily struggle
to survive. No one really understood or took the time to
listen or really wanted to help. I was just a number in this world. Just
another drug addict or mental person and after a while this is what I
believed I was! But I never seemed to give up hope that someone
somewhere out there would understand me and give me the time to help me
work out how I could live in this world. Then one day my prayers were answered after 13
long years, close to death and on many occasions about to give up hope,
I met an incredible woman named Sue. She held an educational support
group to empower people to take back control and responsibility of their
lives. I went along and loved it. Sue made me feel welcome. In her eyes I wasn’t
just a number or a label. I was Bronwyn a 26 year old girl who just
needed desperately to have someone listen to her, guide her, help and
have patience and time for her. She was my God sent angel.
She took me under her wing starting slowly and guided me.
I trusted in her which I didn’t think was possible anymore as
every professional I’d seen before had let me down. Sue helped me to discover all the things that
you usually learn through the teenage years, problem solving, coping
skills, boundaries, values, morals, self respect, self worth and
communication skills which have helped me to have healthier happier
relationships with people that I am close to and to discover the power
of choice. She teaches that we all have the choice to
change our lives. No labels, just a greater understanding of ourselves
and how our reactive behaviours can become just as addictive as any
drug. I now realise that I do have a choice about how I choose to live
my life. I didn’t know that before. Today I no longer use alcohol and drugs to
survive each day. I have a beautiful daughter and I am learning to be a
responsible adult. I’m happy to be alive and am learning more about
myself each day. I’ve taken back my power and today I’m high on life at
last. Sue handed me knowledge – knowledge that freed
me from all the labels. The cure I’d been searching for all my life was
inside me. I just needed help to find the key. The key to my life! Thank you Sue I
have known Sue Koningen for eight years as I have been attending her
support group for that length of time. My younger
son has Schizophrenia & a drug addiction. This dual diagnosis caused me
much stress and anxiety until I joined Sue’s group where I instantly
felt that someone understood. Being able
to share what Sue has learned on her journey gave me the strength to
cope and develop different strategies and life skills which when
implemented enabled me to develop more appropriate communication skills
to relate to and support my son in general and more so when he is in
crisis. Now our
lives are more respectful and therefore a lot smoother. Most importantly
our relationship is now strong enough to cope with the challenges he
faces as he learns to cope with his health issues.
Thank you
Sue Sincerely
Laurel I
used to think that when raising children that love was all you needed. I
certainly felt as though I had a heap of love to give to my two boys but
when they started to falter after being School Prefects and outstanding
athletes, I began to wonder. They had
been raised in a household where domestic violence was an everyday
occurrence and little did I know how this would later play out in their
lives. I left my
partner and decided to raise my boy’s on my own and felt that I was
doing really well until drugs came into their lives and our relationship
faltered dramatically. I was beside myself when I finally went
searching for help and was so grateful when I first spoke to Sue. It was
her voice, her commonsense approach and her laughter that saved my
sanity and over time taught me the skills to actually support my boys to
make healthier choices for themselves. Today life is far more joyful and we have all
developed the skills and strategies Sue teaches at her group. I have
learned so much from my boys and we now have a bond that grows even
stronger with each challenge that life throws at us. Thanks Sue you saved our lives. Maree
An open
letter from the mother of a substance abuser
About three months ago I sat in the gutter
outside the Gold Coast Hospital and watched helplessly as my psychotic
drug induced son talked about killing himself. For years there had been
an ongoing battle against his drug taking.
Where did I go wrong as a mother? Why couldn’t I protect him and
help him? I had tried everything.
Like hundreds of Gold Coast parents I lived in fear, fear of
expecting any day I would lose him. What could I do now that I hadn’t done before? The turning point came for me when I was at my
lowest level; I was as low as my son. I thought about killing myself
because I couldn’t cope. It was then I knew that I had a problem and I
needed help. Before this it was always me telling him what to
do and how to do it. Through a friend I contacted Sue Koningen who
runs a program for families.
When I walked into that first family support group my life changed
forever. What I have learnt over the past three months has saved my
life, my relationship with my husband and most importantly my
understanding of my son. Today my son is still fighting his addiction,
but it is a battle that he is winning. Today I see in him a determination and strength
I never saw before. Today I look on with pride and acceptance of
where he is at. And today for the first time I know we will all
survive. Each week we go on a journey about ourselves and
each week is different from the week before. Sue takes us through a
garden of flowers and thorns.
We hang on every word she speaks.
Some moments we are sitting there speechless – unable to speak
because she has hit a raw nerve (and she thinks we’re not listening!)
next thing we are sitting there in stitches from laughing. I had been heading down a path with my young
adult son which I never thought I would go, and I’d hit a dead end.
The more I tried to FIX everything the worse it got and the
further apart we would tear. The minute I left my first class things had
changed. I changed, my son hadn’t changed, but my behaviour towards him
had changed and now his behaviour towards me has changed. The reason I went t0 the class is still there
but it’s a much smaller issue now. I have so much more to learn. I can
hardly wait to get back to class the next week. We not only learn from our teacher but we learn
so much from each other.
When we become a parent it is easy to learn to love and become attached
but to keep loving and detach is damn hard. (I didn’t know you could do
both at the same time!) I am so very grateful to Sue and to every person
in the class for their love and support and wisdom.
I am grateful to Sue and her son for going on their journey,
because if they hadn’t she would not be doing what she is today, which
is helping so many people. From the pain they have been through we have
the amazing Empowering Families for which I am forever grateful. It has changed my life and my thinking. Thank you Sue from the bottom of my heart. Love Suzi
How Families, Carers and Significant others have responded to this
Program.
I so wanted help for my daughter. I was
prepared to do anything to get her life back on track. I didn’t know
that I needed to get myself back on track before I could mentor her
towards healthier choices. Loved the whole series. Great
discernment for carers and life & capabilities of the consumer. Our 16yr old
son was acting out and we didn’t know where to turn. We came along in
the hope that this would help us.
It did. We are now working our way towards a more respectful
relationship. It will take
time, but home life is already much better for all of us. Thank you Sue.
This is a valuable tool for communication
both personally and professionally.
Thank you very much for an inspiring program. Even our marriage
has improved.
A great
program. I have learnt so
much about my own behaviour.
I fully recommend this program to any family wanting to reconnect with
their beloved child. It was well presented and really informative.
Congratulations on a job well done. I loved and
appreciated the whole program. I felt that the main thing I’m working on
immediately is more emphasis on my son’s good points instead of seeing
what I perceive as his bad behaviour. Thanks heaps. Loved your humour! A very
valuable life skills program. I am still and will continue to learn.
(70yrs) Congratulations. A timely
reminder of good strategies and introduction to some new ones. No wonder
he wouldn’t talk to me – I was so controlling!
My daughter
was diagnosed at 16-19. Now 30. Wish I had looked for help earlier.
My relationship with her has been damaged because I thought I
knew what was best for her. I have grown personally and our relationship
is rebuilding. Thank you Sue.
Note to my loved one About half way
through my program I invite participants to acknowledge their previous
behaviours and begin the process of taking responsibility for them. This
is achieved through writing a post card size note to their loved one (or
longer). The following is my note to my son that I wrote many years ago.
It is a constant reminder to me of just how far I have come in my
journey of recovery. There is no blame, no guilt attached, it’s simply
an acknowledgement of the way I once behaved.
I remember the day that I wrote 7 of these notes to be included in my
book. I had sat at the computer all day balling my eyes out as I wrote
each one of them. Later that day my son phoned to say ‘hi’ and I told
him about my day and asked if he wanted to hear what I had written.
His response to me was ‘They’re great. I reckon you could give Hallmark
a run for their money with those!” Bless him.
Also included are letters from participants of my Program. I hope they
inspire you to learn more about the magic of really relating to each
other.
‘Bless You’
For too long I have tried to control your life in the
hope that I could fix your problems and stop my pain because my dream of
‘happy family’ wasn’t happening.
I was wrong and I am truly sorry!
You have a right to your life and a right to fulfil
your dreams of who you want to be. I just want you to know that you are
a very precious soul, and I am so grateful that you are in my life.
I know you are more than capable of living your own
life and I know you will do what’s right for you.
I am here if you need me.
Dear
Nathan, my son.
This is a sorry letter. I guess we’ve all done things to others over
which we carry regrets and for one reason or another, we never
apologise. For me the reasons would include:
Not wanting to be seen by you as admitting I am wrong. Apologising can
imply this;
Knowing I am wrong but not wanting to admit it, even to myself;
Knowing I am wrong, but not wanting you to know that, and so diminish
your opinion of me. I crave your high opinion and would not want
anything to diminish that;
All of these seem to point at an underlying dishonesty, and probably
insecurity – but that’s my problem, and one I need to work out.
I have done things to you, or not done them when I should for
which I need to apologise, less for your sake, than for mine.
I have done/said things in anger, impatience, through selfishness or
meanness of spirit, which I should not have done. I have hated myself
for these things.
I have not seen your needs, and so not responded to them. Sometimes this
blindness is just a case of not understanding you or what your needs
are. Other times it is in frustration at wishing you could just be
‘normal’ so you would respond in a way that I expect and can understand.
All this just shows that I have been unable to see you for the person
you are. I have wanted you to conform to my perceptions, my way of doing
things, my way of behaving.
I have in a way, understood that there is a lot of pain in your life.
You have many things about which you are anxious or fearful. You have
told me you have visions of terrible violence. How terrible to have to
live with these things. I think that because I have not understood them,
you have felt I was not there to help you when you needed help, or to
support you when you needed support. And in truth, this probably was
because of my attitude of ‘stiffen up!’
It is for me changing my way of thinking, my sense of values, because
they are the framework, or datum on which I base my view of the world. I
see that I need to change my thinking towards you. I need to work harder
to understand just what your needs are, and how I can best respond to
them when you need me to.
A child is a unique gift to a parent. Every child is unique and special.
You are different to your brother. Each of you holds special places in
my heart. One of you is not cherished above the other. One cannot
replace the other. Each of you is unique and beloved to me.
So I have felt wounded because I have known for a long time that our
relationship was fractured. Falling out of relationship with a person is
almost as bad as them dying – the only difference is that you now you
have time to redeem the situation. However, how do you do that? And as I
said before, your child is the most precious thing, so he’s worth
fighting for.
My hope is that by spending more time with you and by;
Being less judgemental and more understanding;
No longer trying to ‘fix’ things for you, but accept you have the
ability to work out your own life, and when you do you are empowering
yourself;
By accepting you as you are and not trying to turn you into another me I
can accept the wonderful array of gifts that you have, like your sense
of humour, your acute sense of loyalty, your wonderful ability to ‘think
outside the square’ and your creative and artistic abilities that I will
be able to see you in full, for the wonderful person you are, and learn
how to help our relationship to grow with its own richness.
Thank you for being my son, and for all the good things you have given
me. Please forgive me for my shortcomings, the things I have done, or
not done which caused you pain, and please help me/us to grow in each
other.
Your devoted and ever-loving,
Dad
Dear
Dad, It’s been a long time since we last spoke and
even a longer time since we last really communicated with each other. I have spent so many years blaming, crying,
screaming, wheeling and dealing, manipulating and provoking you into
living up to the expectations I have of what a Father should be, that I
took for granted the Father and human being that you are.
For this I am truly sorry. I was victimised as a child in a situation that
was completely out of your control. You were not responsible for the
abuse I lived through yet I have tried to make you feel the pain &
suffering I lived through because my expectations of a Father say you
‘should’. I have held you accountable, made you pay
financially as compensation without much gratitude and still I kept the
door to any chance of real communication or reconciliation closed to you
as a way to keep punishing you, emotionally, mentally and financially.
There are no other words than, I am sincerely sorry. Because of the past outcomes of encounters,
interactions and reactions we have experienced together, I gave up.
I’m the one that walked away.
What I’m realising now is that I was expecting you to live up to
an unrealistic task of a Father, of a human being, without floors. A
protector that was supposed to take all the bad away or even stop it
from ever happening. A
doctor that could prescribe me an awesome pill that erased the memories.
A magician that would make everything just disappear.
Just in writing this, I realise how impossible
and what childish behaviour that was. I now know that I behaved in this way because I
was escaping from actually having to confront myself and deal with my
own issues. It seemed easier
to try and make you fix things than get honest with myself.
I am so ashamed of my actions.
I am so scared of what I see when I truly look at myself. I have spent so much of my life, wasted so much
of my life, trying to mould you, shape you, dream you and control you
into being the Father that I expected you to be that I neglected to
admire the person you are. I
now realise that the unreachable expectation I had of you are the
reasons I was blind to the attributes I have always valued in you. I love the way you find the corniest joke at the
worst possible time. I admire your determination to always see things
though. I’m inspired by your
never-ending thirst for knowledge.
I am proud of the humanitarian you are with helping out those
that are less fortunate than most, without judgement.
I am tutored by your interaction and commitment with my own
daughter but most of all I am humbled that you are still willing to
attempt reconciliation with me. I am still learning Dad, I am not complete yet
but I am committed to trying again with the knowledge I have recently
and will continue to acquire.
I am taking a page out of your book and I am determined to not
give up - to never give up on us.
I know my past behaviour deters you.
I ask you to look beyond my past behaviour and concentrate on
what you value in me. It’s
been so long since you’ve seen these attributes in me, I know, but they
are still there. Dad, I love you, I want you and not my
expectations of you in my life.
I am ready to listen to and value you!
I am ready to get off the piggyback ride.
I am ready and want to walk my own path. I know that these are going to be baby steps on
a life long journey but I have learnt from you that with preparation,
training, and a hunger that just won’t quit, anything is possible. I love and I miss you.
Your Daughter.
Dear
Michael I have always had problems communicating with
you in the past and thought it may be easier to convey my feelings to you on paper.
I would like to apologise to you for not listening to you and taking
seriously your complaints in your younger years. I realise now how much
this has affected you.
I would especially like to apologise to you for the effects that my deep
depression had had on you and the whole family.
It has had a devastating effect on all of our lives both in the
past and at this present time.
I now realise that I have not been able to listen to you and the rest of
the family and help you with your problems because of my inability to
see past my own.
I hope that in the future we can set guidelines and limits for you so
that you know where you stand and can then find it easier to control you
life in the future.
To
the Heir Apparent, I have loved you from the moment you were born
and minutes later I held you in my arms walking up and down the hallway
of the hospital bawling my eyes out with joy. This had to be one of the
most spectacular, uplifting and emotional moments of my life. At that time I believed that I was the only one
in the world to have had such a special moment and proceeded to bore the
tits off everyone around me for the ensuing months. You are 23 years old and finally I have come to
the realisation that in a way I have managed to ‘over love’ you or to
put it another way ‘loved you in a way that wasn’t necessarily healthy
for either of us especially you”. It was never my intention that my love for you
would contribute to events that evolved years later, always of the
belief that I had it down ‘right’. I truly believed that the way I had displayed my
love for you was 100% correct but now know that I was robbing you of
your identity and in some ways your development in the ways I was
demonstrating this love. It is plain to me now that I contributed big
time to what has transpired in your life, at the same time knowing that
you were also a contributor in your own way for the reasons that
hopefully you will discuss with me one day when you are ready.
Even though I have been irresponsible to a
degree through my lack of knowledge in the ways that I should have
demonstrated my love for you, I am now in the process of learning how to
love you all over again. I love you, Pa
This
letter is for my Mother – who recently passed away My expectations of you Were beyond your reach And for that I am sorry. I wish I had paused long enough To just see YOU Now my eyes are open And you were Loving, caring and giving Non judgmental A talented artist, musician and writer an adventurer at one with nature You were funny and not afraid to be a little bit silly and you were gentle with me and for that - I thank you.
Dear
Belinda, It has taken me a long time to understand the
disease of addiction and how it has damaged all of our family. It has taken me even longer to understand my own
behaviours and how crazy they have been at times. I am truly sorry of how I have hurt you with my
efforts to control and attempts to fix you. The more I take responsibility for my own
behaviours the more time I will have to enjoy being with you and getting
to know you. I am learning how to love and respect you more and in the
process love and respect me more too. I value you in my life and love you with all my
heart.
Difficult
to start not knowing where to begin. In essence, I am sorry that I have enabled you
to the point where I have contributed to you being unable to live your
life with confidence. I think about why I did this – not knowing I was
intentionally doing it and I realise that I couldn’t admit that I could
fail or that and a child of mine would do something wrong. I felt like
it was a reflection of me. Now I know the reality of not giving you the
life skills you needed is a worse reflection of my own inadequacies as a
parent. I am learning how to let go of trying to control
you and how to develop a healthier relationship with you because I love
you more than you could ever know.
Mum
On being ourselves It seems that everyone knows what’s best for us.
Listen and we will find that a lot of the communication we hear is
advice. We are lectured, scolded, warned, and preached at.
We are told what we should be doing with our
lives, how we should be thinking and what our goals should be. Daily, we
encounter individuals who will cite impressive statistical data, trends,
styles, and testimonials, all to confirm their ideas and entice us to
their way of thinking. There is always value in new information as long
as we (a) really know its source, and (b) don’t automatically rely on
someone else’s answers as being right for us. We are all unique, with special needs and styles
of living, loving and learning. Our lives are our own and we must be
wary of anyone who attempts to seduce them from us. There is no single way to love. There are as
many expressions of caring, appreciation, and enhancement as there are
people who have ever loved. Our happiness is in us. At times we will need
input, or special guidance, but this should only be as long as it takes
to regain our balance and encourage us on our way. Leo Buscaglia
Born for Love
Listen When I ask you to listen to me And you start giving me advice You have not done what I asked When I ask you to listen to me And you begin to tell me why I
shouldn’t feel that way You are trampling on my feelings When I ask you to listen to me And you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems You have failed me, strange as
that may seem Listen. All I ask is that you listen Not talk, nor do – just hear me And I can do for myself I’m not helpless Maybe discouraged and faltering But not helpless
When you do something for me
So we come to the end of my website. I hope it has been of assistance to
you.
Sue Koningen
|
