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EMPOWERING FAMILIES - THE E-BOOK SAMPLE.
Acknowledgements.
Since 1995 over 700
families have sought and received information, guidance and support from
my group work.
I want to take this moment to thank
each member most sincerely, for their many contributions and insights,
which have made this program possible.
Bless you for your courage.
To the other miracle in my
life, my daughter, thank you for walking hand in hand with me
through this minefield.
Your strength, courage, compassion and
ongoing love and support, which you continually give to us, have been an
inspiration.
To my very dear friend
Greer Smith, your willingness to look within for your treasures, your
uniqueness, and your value, never ceases to amaze me.
Thank you for your ‘off the wall humor’
and friendship.
To Sheleagh White, you have been my
rock and sounding board to bounce my theories off, thank you for
listening and sharing your knowledge with me, and to Terry Dixon, thank
you for always believing in me.
So many people have helped
me along the way however, the one person that I am truly grateful to is
my son Brett, for without his illness, I would never have chosen this
road of self-discovery.
Nor would I have met so many wonderful
people. I have thanked him on many occasions, (and meant it) and told
him what a diligent, patient, and at times despairing teacher he has
been in my life! He taught me
to own my feelings and behaviors, not his. To be responsible for my own
actions and reactions to the numerous situations which have occurred
because of his addiction, and to find peace and balance in my own life
so that I could be the strong, ‘stable bow’ mentioned in the ‘Prophet’.
Above all, he taught me the
true meaning of love, compassion and acceptance - of myself and others.
God bless you
Brett – you most precious soul. Now that I
have taken responsibility for my life and my life issues, he is able to
work through his own issues himself, and focus on becoming the person he
needs to be in his life. Thank you my
son. Bless you all.
Foreword One of the
greatest fears we face as parents is the premature death of our child. Be it death
through illness, suicide, a motor-vehicle crash or some other trauma,
this fear remains often dormant in our subconscious mind.
The fear that we may lose
our child to drugs is particularly prominent in our society.
This fear is enhanced by the media and
also by our politicians.
They tell us that there is an ongoing
“war against drugs.”
(Sadly, the lines become blurred and at
times this war becomes a war against our own children.)
When we discover our child
is using illicit drugs what can be done?
Where can one get help?
To whom can we turn?
When I became medical
officer to the Detoxification unit at the Gold Coast Hospital in the
1980’s I discovered that I needed a lot of assistance to help my
patients.
There were very few medical experts in
the field of addiction. In time I
found that a wealth of information and expertise was present within the
community of recovering alcoholics and addicts and those members of
their family who had also suffered. Sue Koningen
is one such expert. Since 1995, Sue has assisted over 700 families. Parents and
relatives of drug affected children referred from Fairhaven Salvation
Army and Mirakai on the Gold Coast have also benefited.
Sue has the understanding
and the practical knowledge gained by walking the long and arduous path
of personal suffering.
“Empowering Families” is a map of this
pathway.
Sue’s program is designed
to give insight into the destructive behavior that we as parents
demonstrate to our children.
It explains and clarifies the paradox
“to help another you first must help yourself.”
“Empowering Families”
illustrates how to re-establish and maintain communication.
It describes boundaries and the
formulae for setting boundaries so that you are able to effectively
indicate your dislike for certain destructive behaviors whilst still
communicating your love. By
confronting and overcoming her own fear, Sue has provided a means for
others to walk this path with safety, reassurance and compassion. I commend to
you “Empowering Families” by Sue Koningen.
Graham Sivyer.
MBBS (hons) Dip. RACOG FRACGP AMSAD
(cert) Introduction
While support in the
chemical dependency field is improving, help focuses on the addict.
Literature and training on family
therapy is still scarce.
Their needs and wants are not being
met, and yet I believe the family, indeed society, must be viewed as an
integral part of the recovery process for any long term solution to be
effective.
Alas when families attempt
to find ‘outside’ support to help them understand what is happening to
their child, they soon realize that they are caught in a therapeutic
void between the drug and alcohol, and mental health fields.
This is resulting in millions of
parents feeling isolated and alienated from society, and totally
powerless to support their child’s recovery. Add this to
the fact that many are no longer able to draw on the generations of
experience previously available through the extended family, and it’s
easy to see why the assumption that the family’s mental health will just
magically happen is proving to be incorrect.
Increased numbers of drug
abusers, youth suicide, child abuse, bullying, sexual abuse, domestic
violence, family breakdown and divorce all have one common thread – an
inability to communicate honestly and effectively about feelings, needs
and wants. You’re not listened to nor heard. This is further compounded
by a sense that the individual is not valued as a member of neither the
family unit nor our society.
With the limited number of
educational programs available for parents of children using or abusing
drugs, Empowering Families has been developed to support the recovery of
our society’s most precious unit – The Family.
Through validating their needs and
wants, empowering them with new skills and awareness, and valuing them
as an integral part of the recovery process.
I believe that each
individual has the power to change their situation, given sufficient
awareness, information and support.
It is my hope that this book will help
you to:
¨
Stop blaming yourself for your child’s addiction
¨
Understand the many life experiences, which influence and impact on your
child’s life.
¨
Learn about addictions, rehabilitation and the recovery process.
¨
Become more aware of your actions and reactions to their drug use.
¨
Communicate more effectively and honestly with your child.
¨
Base your value on who you are, not what you are or what you have.
¨
Value yourself for the miracle you are.
¨
Teach you child how to value themselves.
¨
Empower other members of the family to take responsibility for their
lives.
As you become more aware of
the important role you can play in your child’s recovery from this
illness, your relationship will grow and develop in a very special way,
because it will be based on honesty, respect, humility and love.
As you increase your awareness of the
problems associated with drug addiction, rehabilitation and the family’s
role in the recovery process, you will be empowered to:
¨
Develop strategies that create positive changes in family and addict
behaviors.
¨
Re-write your life story of who you are, and what you want out of life.
¨
Empower your children to do the same.
¨
Re-unite the family unit.
¨
‘Minimize’
the lapse/relapse potential of your child in recovery.
¨
Prevent younger siblings taking up drug use.
¨
Love yourself and your family more honestly and openly.
Why am I so passionate
about empowering families to support their child’s recovery?
Here’s a glimpse.
I woke in the middle of the
night to the sound of someone pounding on my door.
Not the usual tap tap tap of someone
trying to gently stir you at that hour of the night, but a forceful rat
tat tat that stated ‘get up – this is important!’
My first thought was who
the hell is this?
Then with a rush, the events of the
past couple of days came flooding back to me and my whole body filled
with fear.
Another knock, this time more forceful
demanding me to get up.
I recognized that impersonal
order to attend, and with a
rush I grabbed my dressing gown and bolted for the door.
The past three weeks had
been hell, and all I could think of was ‘What have they done now!
Dear God, please let everything be OK.’
I opened the door and was
faced by two policemen.
I froze.
In that split second a million
scenarios flashed through my mind, but none came even close to the
reality of why the boys in blue were calling on me that night.
One of the officers spoke.
‘Do you have a son called Brett?’
I answered ‘yes, I did.’
Then, ‘Do you know of an Amy Johnston?’
again I answered ‘yes, she is my son’s fiancé.’
‘What’s happened?’ I asked, full of
dread and concern.
Satisfied they had the
right address they asked if they could come inside.
Too stunned to speak, I motioned for
them to enter.
Once inside the older of the officers
spoke.
‘I’m afraid we have some bad news’. My
bland stare belied my terror.
I held my breath while he continued.
‘I have been advised to inform you that
Amy is dead, and your son is in intensive care at St John’s Hospital.
We believe it was a drug induced
suicide pact’ I felt as though my
heart had been torn from my body, and the pain was so intense that I
could barely draw breath.
Then the tears of grief flooded my
consciousness.
Oh my God, this is so gut-wrenchingly
tragic!
That was nine long years
ago.
The following months were a nightmare.
I didn’t know what to say to my son to
help him!
Each morning when I awoke, my first two
thoughts were: Is he OK or will I find him dead in his bed?
Oh God, please help me find a way to
help my son.
My fingers became worn to
the bone through trying to find someone to help us.
Our trauma was further exacerbated by
the stigma surrounding this illness.
The ignorance and judgmental attitudes
of those in the ‘helping’ professions, plus their lack of compassion,
inexperience or inability to counsel us, left us feeling further
isolated and alienated from society.
I thank God that my son was able to
find some support to try to make sense of his life.
I was not so fortunate.
Determined that no parent
should have to face this shattering experience alone, I formed a support
group for families of children using or abusing drugs.
Throughout the first few years, the
information we worked with was minimal to say the least, but we all
shared a common goal:
‘To break down the communication barriers dividing us and to reconnect
with our children, so that we could support their recovery.’
The gestation period for
the development of my ‘Empowering Families” program was long and
demanding, because it was designed in reverse – from the problem to a
solution. The families themselves directed its growth, through their
input, sharing and questions needing answers.
It continues to evolve as each new
group has input into its content.
I hope this book offers
some help to you in your search for understanding your child, the
problems associated with addictions, and the important role families can
play in the recovery process.
Our children can’t do it alone! They
need our love, support and understanding, to guide them home.
Also, I hope
some of the topics I have touched on will stimulate discussion in areas
where we have too often avoided the issue – not because we do not care,
but because we feel so helpless in the face of the many unanswered
questions arising from this devastating illness.
As you begin the journey of
breaking down the barriers to reconnect with your child, it is my hope
that you will recognize how little we actually know about them.
Even if you feel you understand your
child, you may never truly understand the complexity of their life,
their pain, their struggles, their anger, their life story and what has
caused them to react the way they do.
When you begin to
understand your own pain, struggles, anger, life story and what causes
you to react the way you do, you will be less likely to judge or
criticize your child’s behavior and your disdain will be replaced by
compassion.
As you do
this more and more you gain strength and power which is one of the keys
to a more joyful and empowered life.
As your awareness and
compassion grows, you are able to develop strategies to support your
child’s growth within an environment where they will feel valued and
accepted as a member of the family.
As they begin to share their innermost
thoughts and fears with you, in this secure non-judgmental environment,
they can begin the process of understanding their reactions to their
life story.
Who knows – within this
warm and secure base, they may no longer feel the need to escape from
their pain, and they may even decide to confront their demons and seek
help to address their illness.
That is the
focus of my program, workshops and now this book. I wish you
well on your journey of self-discovery. Please note:
Where possible I have
identified the authors of the information contained in this book.
However, because this program has
evolved over the past seven years, some of the information used in the
early stage of its development was untitled and the authors remain
unidentified.
To those authors, I sincerely
apologize.
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